ROBOWAR (1988)

ROBOWAR

A cyborg is on the loose in some third world country, and he's gone haywire. Presumably created by the United States Military, a secret mission is devised to go and shut it down. An inter-racial group of the dumbest special forces mercenaries who also happen to be racist assholes (if that makes any sense) are sent to some third world country to kill third world people, but they're not told of course the real reason they are there.  This is a rip-off/unitentional parody of PREDATOR, and is predictable, yet absurdly hilarious. 

The group of mercenaries, known as "B.A.M." (no, not 'bad' ass motherfuckers, "Big Ass" Motherfuckers), are introduced in a scene reminiscent of Kentucky Fried Movie's parody of Enter the Dragon. "Why do they have nicknames?" and other great lines are immediately initiated once the douchebag military team is shown in a slideshow. They are all racists, smoke pot in a very peculiar way, and have peculiar habits. You basically can't wait to see them all get killed in various ways--because you know it's coming.  This movie has some of the dumbest lines in movie history, but this is one of those movies which is so ridiculously bad, it's funny. In one scene they all line up and start shooting a jeep full of third-world militia men, they kill this jeep full of guys three times. What do I mean by this? They shoot them to bits, the guys fall off the jeep, they cut back to our beloved 'team' shooting again, and then back to the same guys on the jeep who are killed again, and then again. This movie should be called "Wasting Bullets."

These guys are so trigger-happy they start shooting at anything, and once they do, they stand there for a few minutes shooting, and then once they go to see what it was they were shooting at, it turns out to be a guy that's already been dead for two days. Once they get to the third-world village to kill some more living people, they run around cracking the worst one-liners in history. The plot is nothing much to speak of and pretty much follows exactly the same line as PREDATOR. Only instead of the 'Predator' alien, it's the government-created cyborg on the loose. The mercenaries continuously prove they are the dumbest soldiers in the world, and if it wasn't for the stereotypical 'third world militia,' they probably would never have been able to hit anything with their guns. The black guy throws a grenade like it was burning his hand off, screams like a girl, and the grenade, though in the shot would have probably landed two feet away from him magically lands a few hundred feet away exactly on target. In the next shot the black guy miraculously materializes a bazooka in his hands, and shoots, but can't hit shit. They go from being complete morons to proficient killers back and forth throughout the film. 

I would let the audience enjoy the rest of the stupidity of the movie on their own, so I won't spoil any more. This is one of those films I encourage you to watch, and avoid the "Mystery Science Theater" dubbed version, as a matter of fact, I encourage everyone to avoid "Mystery Science Theater" altogether, because they ruin the fun that YOU could be having by watching the movie all by itself on your own. I happen to hate "Mystery Science Theater" not because I think the movies they dub their stupid commentary on to are good or something, but that not only are they usually not very funny, I think people should be able to judge and make fun of these movies on their own--and also because many of these asinine films are now no longer available EXCEPT for the "Mystery Science Theater" versions and that pisses me off. Why watch a group of unfunny people mock some movie while your watching it, when you could be doing that and be having all the fun? 

ROBOWAR is high on the list of the best worst movies that are highly entertaining, so avoid everything people are saying about it, the "Riff Trax" and MST3000 bullshit, and have your own fun with it. It's a shit movie that still retains its value, and should inspire thousands of new filmmakers to go forth and create more shit for us to watch. ROBOWAR has what most of these newer Syfy movies don't, and that is a special mark of absurdity, where the worse the dialog is, the better, where stupid things happen for no reason, and is built on a foundation of cliches so ridiculous you can't believe the people making it didn't know that it was this laughable. Syfy, Asylum, and other digitally made movies simply don't have the 'talent' to make shit movies like this, they're unwatchable because they take themselves either too seriously, or they simply don't go bat-shit crazy enough. If they want to make a good movie, they should simply make a good movie, but if they want to make shit movies, at least realize they're shit when you're making them and amp up the stupidity so that it is at least watchable.  There's no other way around it.

Another problem for "bad movies" these days is simply that somebody spent money on actual film. This actually makes these movies simply look better, no matter how crappy the camera angle, focus or color, the fact that they were filmed adds an irreplaceable charm to them. Movies like this, if they were shot digitally lose a bit of this 'quality,' which makes them so re-watchable. Digital movies are just boring to look at, there's never any blur, there's never any grain, there's always too much light, and when the camera moves or dollies, it just doesn't look the same. People with film cameras back in the day must have had more fun experimenting and trying out all kinds of shit simply because of the complications of a film camera. You had to do more than just point and shoot and you really couldn't fix a whole lot later after the filming. You had to get it there and then, and that added a bit of excitement to it all. The 'capturing' of something meant more. You couldn't do as many takes as you wanted, your actors had to get it right a lost faster so you didn't have to waste money. You tried more to get things right the first time. With digital, you can make tons of mistakes, over and over and over without wasting a lot of money, and people can now just 'fix' a lot of stuff later, so they worry less. This somehow adds something to these old shitty movies that you cannot fake, and you cannot reproduce with a digital camera crew. They had to try more, and the result is something more watchable and lasting. 

Movies from 2000-2012 shot digitally simply won't last, unless there's something so specific that makes them great 'bad movies.' Bad movies from the 1950s to 1999 shot on film just seem like they'll be with us for a long, long time, and will be referred to and re-visited time and again.  It could be that digital movies have too many hard edges, too much clarity, too much resolution and show more flaws, where as film is foggier, more dreamlike, grittier and the light is softer, it's more comfortable to watch film. Realism and high definition isn't all its cracked up to be, and the more 'realistic' your technical capability to capture what the camera is seeing isn't necessarily good for your 'bad movie.'  The idea of 'truly classic crap' and enjoying it is sometimes being astounded that people with real equipment and real film cameras spent money to 'capture' what it was they were capturing. The fact that anybody with an iPhone can 'shoot' any kind of shitty movie just doesn't have that added quality of what seems like 'somebody who never should have made a movie, but there it is.'  There's something glorious about that, where somebody with a video camera shooting garbage just seems like "just another Youtube video." There's nothing special about it, you simply don't have that same feeling. Film gives movies a mark of 'authenticity' whether it's real or not. Instead of making digital cameras more 'realistic' with higher definition with higher frame rates, they ought to be figuring out ways to make it look more like real film.  There's something specific about the light and the grain, perhaps the literal chemistry of silver nitrate, the lenses, the physicality to it all that makes film just simply look better. You can find ways of making wine faster, easier and more efficiently, but it will never be the same as a fine vintage that took time to create. Instant movies CAN be good, but the fact is, the more convenient the technology, it is my opinion that it means they have to work harder to make it as good as any old shitty FILM from the old days. 

It can be said that ROBOWAR is a 'film,' but I postulate that Hobbit: The Unexpected Journey is not. It's a video. It's a television movie. It's just not the same. It feels wrong, or rather it just doesn't have that dreaminess to it that takes you to 'that place.' The argument against this is purely political, where I argue the aesthetics, there really is a difference, and there are reasons for that difference. It doesn't mean you can't shoot a movie with a digital camera, but you have to do something to compensate, some how, some way, for the lost effect. There is no other way.